Old Mr. Flood Read online

  Mr. Maggiani, watching Mr. Flood slice, said, “Hugh, do you know the name of that loaf?”

  “I heard it once,” Mr. Flood said, “but it’s slipped my mind.”

  “It’s called a cosa minuta a zighizaghi, a small thing with zigzags,” Mr. Maggiani said. “The S stands for sapienza—wisdom.”

  Mr. Flood grunted, “Whatever to hell it’s called,” he said, “it’s good. Mrs. Palumbo knows what she’s doing. She don’t take ads in the papers to tell big black lies about her vitamins, she don’t have a radio program rooting and tooting about her enriched bread, she don’t wrap in cellophane, she don’t even have a telephone. She just goes ahead and bakes the way her great-great-granddaddy baked. Consequently, by God, lo and behold, her bread is fit to eat. I’m not against vitamins, whatever to hell they are, but God took care of that matter away back there in the hitherto—God and nature, and not some big scientist or other. Years back, bread was the staff of life. It looked good, it smelled good, it tasted good, and it had all the vitamins in it a man could stand. Then the bakers fiddled and fooled and improved their methods and got things down to such a fine point that a loaf of bread didn’t have any more nourishment in it than a brickbat. Now they’re putting the vitamins back in by scientific means—the way God did it don’t suit them; it ain’t complicated enough—and they’ve got the brass to get on the radio and brag about it; they should hide their heads in shame.”

  Mr. Maggiani hadn’t been paying much attention to Mr. Flood’s remarks; he only half listens to him. Now he pursed his lips and nodded his head a couple of times. “Science is a great thing,” he said piously. “It’s wonderful what they can do.” Mr. Flood stared at him for a moment and then let the matter drop. We had another round of Scotch. Mr. Maggiani found a knife for me and one for himself, and the three of us got down to work on the clams.

  “The bed this basket of clams came out of is called Bed Number Two,” said Mr. Flood. He is one of those who can talk and eat at once. “It’s located two and an eighth miles east-southeast of the whistling buoy off Point Judith, Rhode Island. The water out there is eighty to a hundred and twenty feet deep. That’s why it took so long to find the blackies. The bottom of Number Two is muddy, what the Coast and Geodetic charts call sticky, and it’s just about solid with clams. They’re as thick as germs. Bay clams come from much shallower water. To give you an idea, the water over most of the quahog beds in Great South Bay is only twelve feet deep. The Rhode Island clammers are working the ocean beds with the same kind of dredge boats that oystermen use, except the cables are longer. They lower a dredge on a steel cable and drag it over the bottom. The dredge plows up the mud and the clams are thrown into a big chain-metal bag that’s hung on the tail of the dredge. They drag for fifteen minutes, and then they haul up and unload the bag on the deck. The ocean clammers are making a ton of money. They’re getting a dollar to a dollar and a half a bushel.”

  “That don’t sound so good,” said Mr. Maggiani. “The last I heard, bay clammers were getting two and a half to three.”

  “A dredge boat can take fifty bushels of bay clams a day,” Mr. Flood said, “if the crew don’t mind rupturing themselves. The same boat can take two hundred and fifty bushels of blackies a day and just coast along. That’s the difference. I heard about one boat that took five hundred and thirty-eight bushels in six hours. Also, most of the beds are outside the three-mile limit and there’s no restrictions on the length of the season and the size of the catch; you can dredge the year round and you can take all you can get. Blackies have one drawback, a merchandising drawback—they aren’t suited for the raw trade, the half-shell trade. You can only eat the young ones on the half shell—that is, the Little Necks, like these here. Young blackies are the finest-flavored clams in the world, in my opinion, but when they grow to cherrystone size they coarsen up. In addition they don’t stand travel as good as bay clams; they’re more perishable and their shells are brittle. All the clams in the bottom of this basket are probably broken and squashed. Blackies are perfect chowder clams—the old ones and the young ones—and that’s what the Rhode Islanders are selling them for. The clam-packing plants in Warren and Bristol and East Greenwich are buying all that’s brought to their docks, and they’re shucking and canning the entire catch. They’re putting them up in gallon cans and selling them to hotels and restaurants and soup factories. They aren’t going to fool with the half-shell trade. If the general public wants some for half-shell eating, unless they’ve got a friend in the business, I’m afraid they’ll have to go to the docks and buy them off the boats, and that’s a shame. Tommy, quit eating a moment and tell me what you think of these clams.”

  “The only thing that’s got them beat in the shellfish line,” said Mr. Maggiani, “is bay scallops eaten out of the shell—the whole raw scallop, and not just that scallop muscle that they fry in restaurants.”

  Mr. Flood was pleased. “I tell you, Tommy,” he said, “it’s been my experience that just about any animal that lives in a shell and comes out of salty water is good eating. Back in 1940 the oyster beds in Great Peconic Bay became infested with millions of gastropod pests called quarterdecks, a kind of limpet, the Crepidula fornicata. These pests fix themselves to oyster shells in great stacks and clusters, one on top of the other, and they smother the oysters to death. Around Christmas that winter I went out on the bay with a friend of mine, Drew Radel, whose family owns the Robbins Island beds. He fattens his stock in the North Race, a swift current of water between Great and Little Peconic, and they’re the biggest, finest oysters in the United States. They’re so big and fine that back before the war Drew used to ship hundreds of barrels by fast ocean liner to Paris, London, and Dublin, the chief oyster-eating cities of Europe. Drew took me to a ruined bed in the Race, a bed that had three thousand bushels of oysters in it, and thirteen thousand bushels of quarterdecks. It was enough to break your heart. I took a quarterdeck in my hand, an animal about an inch and a half long, and I thought to myself, ‘I wonder how you taste.’ I got my knife and I dug the meat out of one and I ate it, and Drew and the dredge-boat captain looked at me like I was an outcast from human society. I ate another, and I kept on eating, and I said to Drew, ‘Drew, my boy,’ I said, ‘it’s a sacrilegious thing to say, and I’m ashamed of myself, but the little buggers taste damned near as good as oysters.’ He broke down and ate a few and he had to agree with me. Said they tasted to him like the tomalley of a lobster. I told him he should give them a French name and bribe the Waldorf-Astoria to put some on the menu at three dollars and a half a dozen. ‘Create a demand for them,’ I said, ‘and you got the problem solved.’ He said he wouldn’t deal in the damned things for any amount of money. Anyhow, next year they vanished, the most of them. They come and go in cycles, like a good many pests.”

  THE WIND OFF THE RIVER shook Maggiani’s windows. Mr. Flood went over to the stove, punched the fire, threw in a shovelful of coal, and returned to the clams. He was quiet for a while, brooding. Then he began to talk again. “I promised to tell you about Mr. Mooney’s queer habit, didn’t I?” he said to me.

  “Yes, sir,” I said.

  “This is something I got no business telling a young man,” Mr. Flood said, “but the pleasantest news to any human being over seventy-five is the news that some other human being around that age just died. That’s provided the deceased ain’t related, and sometimes even if he is. You put on a long face, and you tell everybody how sad and sorrowful it makes you feel, but you think to yourself, ‘Well, I outlived him. Thank the Lord it was him and not me.’ You think to yourself, ‘One less. More room for me.’ I’ve made quite a study of the matter, and I’m yet to find an agy man or any agy woman that don’t feel the same deep down inside. It cheers you up somehow, God forgive me for saying so. I used to be ashamed of myself, but the way I figure, you can’t help yourself, it’s just nature. There’s about a dozen and a half old crocks around seventy-five to eighty-five up at the Hartford, and here a few months back, the way
it happens sometimes, they all got blue at once. Everybody had been sour-faced for days and getting sourer by the minute; they were all talked out; they had got on each other’s nerves; a man would order a beer and go away down to the end of the bar by himself and drink it; you would say something to a man and he wouldn’t answer you. It had just about got to the point where they were spitting in each other’s eye. One afternoon around four I walked in and they were all up at the bar, the whole, entire mob, buying each other drinks, whacking each other on the shoulder. Two or three had reached the singing stage. Everybody was friends again. I asked one what happened, and he said to me, ‘Didn’t you hear the news? Old Dan up the street dropped dead an hour ago, the poor man. In the middle of cutting a customer’s hair he keeled over and passed away.’ Old Dan was a barber on Fulton Street; had a two-chair shop down here for fifty years; all the Hartford crowd went to him; a highly dignified man; everybody liked him; not an enemy in the world. I thought to myself, ‘You heathen monsters! A poor old soul drops dead on the floor and it cheers you up!’ But I got to be honest. In a minute I was hanging on the bar with the rest of them, going on about how sad it was, and what a fine man Old Dan had been, and how he’d given me a shave and a shampoo only the day before, and drinking more than I could handle, and feeling the best I had in I don’t know when.

  “Well, Mr. P. J. Mooney has an awful, awful case of what I’m talking about, the worst by far I ever saw. He comes downstairs in the morning in a hell of a hurry, and he grabs the Times and opens it up to the obituaries and death notices. The Times has the best death notices, all the details. And he sits there, drinking his coffee, happy, humming a song, reading up on who died since yesterday. And he talks to himself. He says, ‘Well, my friend,’ he says, looking at the picture of some poor deceased or other, ‘I outlived you. You may have been one of the biggest investment bankers of our time, you may have left a thirty-million estate, you may have been a leader in social and financial circles in New York and Palm Beach, but I outlived you. You’re in the funeral parlor, you old s.o.b., you and your thirty million, and here I am, P. J. Mooney, esquire, eating a fine big plate of ham and eggs, and I’m not going to have two cups of coffee this morning, I’m going to have three.’ All that used to tickle me somewhat. I’d come downstairs and I’d say to him, ‘Any good ones this morning, P. J.?’ And he’d answer back, real cheerful, ‘The president of a big steel company, well along in years, eighty-seven, fell and broke his hip, and a big doctor, a stomach specialist, seventy-three, had a stroke. It’s sad,’ he’d say, ‘real sad.’ And he’d sit there and give you all the details, the name of the undertaker that had the job, the name of the cemetery, how long was the final illness, who survived and the like of that.

  “Here lately, the past month or so, in addition to studying the obituaries, P. J. has taken to studying the old men at the Hartford. I caught him several times staring at this one and that one, looking them over, eying them, and I knew for certain what he was doing; he was estimating how much longer they had to live. One day I caught him eying me. It gave me a turn. It made me uneasy. It upset me. And he’s taken to inquiring about people’s health; takes a great interest in how you feel. He says, ‘Did you rest well last night?’ And he says, ‘You sure got the trembles. You can’t drink nowhere near as much as you used to, can you?’ And he says, ‘Mr. Flood, it seems to me you’re showing your age this morning. We’re not getting any younger, none of us.’ And last night he came out with a mighty upsetting question. ‘Mr. Flood,’ he said, ‘if you were flat on your back with a serious illness and the doctor told you there was no hope left, what would you do?’ And I said to him, ‘Why, P. J., I would put on the God-damnedest exhibition that ever a dying man put on in the history of the human race. I would moan and groan and blubber and boohoo until the bricks came loose in the wall. I wouldn’t remain in bed. I would get up from there and put me on a pair of striped pants and a box-back coat and I would grab the telephone and get in touch with preachers of all descriptions—preachers, priests, rabbis, the Salvation Army, the Mohammedans, Father Divine, any and all that would come, and I’d say to them, “Pray, brothers, pray! It can’t do me no harm and it might possibly do me some good.” And while they prayed I’d sit there and sing the “Rock of Ages” and drink all the liquor that the doctor would allow.’ I thought that’d shut him up, but I was just wasting my breath. Next he wanted to know had I made my will, had I given much thought to what I wanted cut on my tombstone, did I have any favorite hymns I wanted sung at my funeral. ‘Shut up,’ I said to him, ‘for the love of God, shut up!’ And this morning I came downstairs, and I had a hangover to begin with, a katzenjammer, and he had that estimating look in his eye, and he said to me, ‘Good morning, Old Man Flood. How you feeling? You look a bit pale.’ And I flew off the handle and danced around and made a holy show of myself. If he inquires about my health one more time, if he so much as says good morning, I’m going to answer him politely, like a gentleman, and I’m going to wait until he looks the other way, and then I’m going to pick up something heavy and lay him out.”

  “The way I look at it,” said Mr. Maggiani, “those questions Mr. Mooney asks you, they’re personal questions. I wouldn’t stand for it.”

  “I’m not going to stand for it any longer,” said Mr. Flood. “I’m going to put my foot down. All I want in this world is a little peace and quiet, and he gets me all raced up. Here a while back I heard a preacher talking on the radio about the peacefulness of the old, and I thought to myself, ‘You ignorant man!’ I’m ninety-four years old and I never yet had any peace, to speak of. My mind is just a turmoil of regrets. It’s not what I did I regret, it’s what I didn’t do. Except for the bottle, I always walked the straight and narrow; a family man, a good provider, never cut up, never did ugly, and I regret it. In the summer of 1902 I came real close to getting in serious trouble with a married woman, but I had a fight with my conscience and my conscience won, and what’s the result? I had two wives, good, Christian women, and I can’t hardly remember what either of them looked like, but I can remember the face on that woman so clear it hurts, and there’s never a day passes I don’t think about her, and there’s never a day passes I don’t curse myself. ‘What kind of a timid, dried-up, weevily fellow were you?’ I say to myself. ‘You should’ve said to hell with what’s right and what’s wrong, the devil take the hindmost. You’d have something to remember, you’d be happier now.’ She’s out in Woodlawn, six feet under, and she’s been there twenty-two years, God rest her, and here I am, just an old, old man with nothing left but a belly and a brain and a dollar or two.”

  “Life is sad,” said Mr. Maggiani.

  “And the older I get,” continued Mr. Flood, “the more impatient I get. I got no time to waste on fools. There’s a young Southern fellow drops into the Hartford barroom every night before he gets on the ‘L’; comes from Alabama; works in one of those cotton offices on Hanover Square. Seemed to be a likable young fellow. I got in the habit of having a whiskey with him. He’d buy a round, I’d buy a round. Night before last, when he dropped in, I was sitting at a table with a colored man. When I was in the house-wrecking business, this colored man was my boss foreman. He was in my employ for thirty-six years; practically ran the business; one of the finest men I’ve ever known; raised eight children; one’s a doctor. In the old days, when my second wife was still alive, he and his wife came to our house for dinner, and me and my wife went to his house for dinner; played cards, told stories, listened to the phonograph. When I sold the business, I gave him a pension, an annuity. He bought a little farm on Long Island, and whenever he’s in town he pays me a visit and we talk about the days gone by. Tommy, you remember Peter Stetson. He’s been in here with me.”

  “Sure,” said Mr. Maggiani. “Fellow that runs the duck farm.”

  “That’s right,” said Mr. Flood. “Well, Pete and I finished our talk, and I walked to the door with him, and we shook hands, and he left. And I went over to the bar to have
a drink with this young Southern fellow, and he says, ‘That was a nigger you were sitting down with, wasn’t it?’ And I said, ‘That was an old, old friend of mine.’ And he began to talk some ugly talk about the colored people, and I shut him right up. ‘I’m an old-time New Yorker,’ I said to him, ‘the melting-pot type, the Tammany type before Tammany went to seed, all for one, one for all, a man’s race and color is his own business, and I be damned if I’ll listen to that kind of talk.’ And he says, ‘You’re a trouble-maker. What race do you belong to, anyhow?’ ‘The human race,’ I said. ‘I come from the womb and I’m bound for the tomb, the same as you, the same as King George the Six, the same as Johnny Squat. And furthermore,’ I said, ‘I’ll never take another drink with you. It would be beneath me to do so.’ Now that’s a heathen kind of thing to happen in New York City. I’m going over and talk to the Mayor one of these days, tell him about a plan I have. I got a plan for a parade. The population is all split up; they don’t even parade with each other. The Italians parade on Columbus Day, the Poles parade on Pulaski Day, the Irish parade on St. Patrick’s Day, and all like that. My plan is to have a citywide Human Race Parade, an all-day, all-night parade up Fifth Avenue. The only qualification you’ll need to march in this parade, you have to belong to the human race. The cops even, they won’t stand and watch, they’ll get right in and march. Tommy, how about you, would you march in the Human Race Parade?”